My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
