i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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