what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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