it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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