Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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