So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize