My friends, they love my intelligence
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
