i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
