My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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