just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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