Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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