i think my tv is drunk
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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