pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
