Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
