Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
