Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
