Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
