fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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