i permit you to call me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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