god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
