State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
