So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
