I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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