I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
