guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
