I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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