I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
