I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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