just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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