I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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