Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
