So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize