I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
