I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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