You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
