Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
