Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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