I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
