The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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