Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
