Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
