Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize