My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
