I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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