It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
