if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
