I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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