did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
