I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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