i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
