I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
