i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
