So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
