the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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