we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
