Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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