i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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