i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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