Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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