Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
