do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
