I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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