Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
