Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
