I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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