I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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