Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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