Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
