Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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